… so far.

One year ago today my life changed in a way that I never saw coming, and never thought could happen.  On February 17th 2009, my dear husband Klaus woke up freezing cold and convulsing.  The emergency crew arrived within minutes and took him to the hospital.  I arrived a few minutes later to the news that my husband was going to die.

But Klaus was a tiger, and through the next 12 days he surprised everyone at the hospital – and around the world – with his determination, strength, and the overwhelming amount of love that poured his way.   Although he could not communicate at all during that time, I know that he knew that I was there, that people (and dogs and cats) all over the world were pulling for him, and that his loyal dog Bogart would manage to charm his way into the ICU.  The only real reactions he had were early on when I asked him for a kiss (I swear that his lips moved around his ventilator tube) and when Bogart visited and would kiss his hand.  Not much – but priceless.

Anniversaries, special dates, holidays have hit me hard this past year.  Understandable.  But today has really torn me apart, remembering the day that this all started.  They are memories that I treasure because they are of Klaus, yet they are absolutely horrible because of the outcome.  Lots more crying than usual.  The first day I really broke down at work and had to leave.

Anyone who says this gets easier as time goes by is full of shit (uh, I mean poop).  At the beginning my brain was kind and anaesthesized me – everything hurt, but the pain was dull.  Now some days it feels like getting a full-on root canal with no novocaine.

I WANT MY ANAESTHESIA BACK, PLEASE

I truly don’t know what I would do without Bogart and the kitties.  They are truly the best medicine.  This has been a year full of challenges, hardships, and all-out pain, but between the social interaction that Bogart forces me to have and the at-home forced cuddling that the kitties do (there is always someone on my lap or calculating a way into my lap) they keep me alive.  Whether I like it or not.

Did I mention that I’d like my anaesthetic back?

Love,

Lulu

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13 thoughts on “The Longest Day”

  1. ooo Lulu, i hadnt realized it had been a year…but i know there is no way u couldnt…and yes, i know today was sooo difficult for u..wish there was something i could say to help with the hurt…just know u are loved and often thought of..

    peace
    ~rocky and mama~

  2. Lulu, we think about you so often and wish there was something we could do to lessen your pain. I know it’s never the same, but we understand the reality of having memories that are precious and horrible and hope you find peace with them.
    – Anne

  3. Our thoughts are with you, Bogie and the kitties today as always. You and Klaus had a beautiful and loving relationship that simply shines (still) through the postings and photos. We can only imagine the depth of your mourning.

    You will always have the love and memories, but that means the pain will always be there. sometimes beneath the surface, sometimes smack in your face.

    We are glad you have Bogart and the kitties to keep you company and offer comfort. They know, better than any of us do, how best to help you rebuild.

    Gus and I add our support, as do so many of our pals in the blog world.

    Barb and Gussie

  4. Lulu,

    I’m sending you and Bogie all my love. Keep your head up, as cheesy as that is, time might not make things better but know that you’re in inspiration for forging your way through these past months.

    Love you two like crazy!
    Michaela

  5. Lulu,
    Our family all had a good cry after reading your blog today. We’re so sorry that Klaus was taken from you and Bogart, way too early. We hope you find some comfort in the knowledge that you have human and canine friends around the globe, that only wish good things for you! Hope to see you and Bogart out enjoying your adventures soon!
    Airedale hugs and wet noses,
    Wyatt and Stanzie

  6. You and Klaus and Bogart are in our thoughts and prayers. We wish you peace and hope. You are in our pack.

    Paul, Susan and Airedales Wyatt and Stanzie.

  7. Lulu, there is no words today. We are silent. Wish we could give you a huge hug and hold you in our arms as long as you need to cry out your pain and sorrow …

    May Peace and Light be with you. Thinking of you with Love, and holding you, and Bogie, and kitties in our hearts.

    Nata, Greg and BelAire

  8. Lulu, we’re sorry we’re a day late! Mom knew that this dreaded anniversary was coming up soon, but couldn’t remember the exact day. She DOES, however, remember what a dark day it was on March 2nd. We pray that you have the strength to get through this and we know that Bogart and the kitties are a tremendous help to you. Hold them close and SNUGGLE!

    Aire-hugs,
    Poppy, Penny & Patches

  9. Fred’s mom here…after my mom passed, one of my dear great-aunts said “Grief has no timetable.” Some days are horrible; some days are numbing…but it doesn’t get consecutively easier. Wouldn’t that be nice?
    We still think of you and are glad you have Bogart and the kitties.

  10. Lulu,

    We think of you so often and still have our hearts scarred from those 12 days when we were all praying so hard for your Klaus. You’ve experienced what we all who have found our soul mates dread — that sudden moment when life changes for ever.

    We’re so glad you have Bogie and the catses — in a way, I guess they’re a form of anesthesia.

    Wirey love from me and the barkies!

    Joan (aka Dee Sanchez on FB)

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