Lulu here.  Today is 2 years since Klaus passed away.  A day that I haven’t really prepared myself for, no matter how much I think about it.  A day that I’m not ready for, no matter how much I planned to be.  A day, if I’m honest, I never thought I would be here to see.

Each anniversary that goes by twists the knife that’s in my heart, but these hurt the most because they are a reminder of only a bad thing (the day we lost him) rather than good things (our wedding anniversary, his birthday).

Having to be both mama and dad to Bogart and the kitties is hard.  Having to figure out who the hell I am now is hard.  And my normal MO is to not make things particularly easy for myself, so there is the extra heaping helping of self-torture that goes on.  I hate being a part of the widow club – nothing against the other members, of course – it’s just the crappiest club around.  And adding it to my resume doesn’t exactly bring up my score on the sweetness scale.

I’m a tough nut with a marshmallow coating and don’t forget the frosting and sprinkles, but I confess that making it this far wasn’t a part of my plan.  I literally owe my existence to my bestest friends – Bogart, Sekhmet, Aeon, Behemoth, Kafka and Willie – without their love, discipline, and general all-around awesomeness I would have been floating around the Willamette years ago as fish food (yep, that was the plan – convoluted but I thought it had the best chance of effectiveness with the least amount of pain and chance of messing it up).

In the past two years I’ve learned a lot of things.  I’ve lost a lot of things.  I don’t think I’ve gained a lot, but I suppose it’s more about laying a foundation before you build a house, eh?  So I’m laying the concrete slabs in hopes that plans work out and I can get the electricity and running water sorted at a later date.  Raising funds for future development, well, hell yeah.  Maybe even decorating at some point.  I do wish that I had some architectural drawings for fear of letting my imagination run too wild and designing an Addams family life/home rather than something more practical and typical, but I suppose when thinking of something typically Lulu the Addams family does indeed come to mind.

Last year I decided that the anniversary of Klaus’ passing would be a birthday for me each year.  Not to celebrate, but to remember that not only did he die but our lives together did and thusly so did I.  A whole language between us is gone, my identity crushed into little pieces.  I am distinctly not the same person I was two years ago, in many good and bad ways.  So it makes a kind of sense to turn back the numbers (partially because I’m not thrilled at how high my actual age is these days!) and start the counting anew.

Moving to the east coast has been tremendous for us, and Philadelphia has turned into a fantastic place to both nurse our wounds and venture out.  Much of my life has been spent moving long distances in search of “something” so I cannot say that this will be the place we put down roots, but for now it’s “just right”.

So tonight, on my birthday, a little of the old and the new – a beer for Klaus and some frosting for me, special treats for Bogart and the kitties.

We all miss you, big guy.

Lulu

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12 thoughts on “Missing the Klaus-meister”

  1. Hello. We popped back over today (from the UK) to see how you all are ~ and only when we got here realised the significance of the day. It never gets easier does it? It just changes.

    We wondered if we might remind you of a quote from Winnie the Pooh:

    “If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together .. there is something you must always remember: you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart … I’ll always be with you.”

    We think if Klaus could get a message to you today ~ it would be that.

    We hope you can find comfort in the wonderful memories you have today, and the much loved photos ~ happy birthday, even if it is for the new beginning you never hoped to have to live.

    Love Milo & Alfie, and our mom xxx

  2. Lulu: It’s hard to find the right words, but I want to thank you for sharing your thoughts so openly and so beautifully. Congratulations on laying the foundation, we are glad you are working on a building.

    Muzzer

    (and thanks to Gussie for lending his ID)

  3. Lulu, we are sure happy that you didn’t proceed with the fish food plan. But Rebirth – YES! We like that idea. And Klaus? Well, you know better than abyone else, that Klaus is always with you, within and with out. The look on your face on that second picture, you are looking at us with Klaus’ eye, did you notice that? Need I say more? Build up your house, Lulu, we know it will be a beautiful and special one, eventually, when the time will be right. And if it is to be an Addams style – sure, we’ll celebrate it like there is no tomorrow. You touched so many hearts, Lulu, you and your furry household, your talent, your uniqueness. So, so glad you decided to hang out with us here, now. Cheers to your new beginnings and your staying true to yourself! Cheers to wonderful memories of Klaus. Today, with you, we celebrate LIFE!

    Love,
    Nata, BelAire and Greg

  4. Lulu, thank you for sharing these thoughts. It is interesting because the past couple of days I have had to really start facing the issue of my dogs’ mortality, something I am really not prepared to do. Your beautiful words speak of a deep love for your dog. They are so special and make our lives so much richer, don’t they? Sending a big hug, and puppy kisses from Snoopy (who is not feeling too good) and Rummer.

  5. OOO Lulu, i so understand what u mean…My dad left us in “96, mama lived the next 10 without him……u could tell she was missing him so much, they were almost married 50years…….He died about 2 years before it…Now they are both together again….we were with u in spirit as Klaus fought for his life…wishing for a miracle, and we shared our tears with yours when he left us…Sometimes, we have to keep on going…esp when u have dependents, either “skinkids” or “furkids”…Thinking of you with love…

    Peace,
    Claudette

  6. Lulu,

    I am so sorry you are hurting. Losing someone dear to our hearts is never easy. I am so thankful you stayed here with us and didn’t go through with your Willamette River plan. Grieving is a process, not an event. And each person must travel through that process at their own rate and in their own way.
    I wish I was there to wrap my arms around you and tell you that everything is going to be ok. I know it doesn’t feel that way now, but in time, you will hurt less. You won’t love him less, or miss him less, but the horrid ache will get better. Mostly, we just learn, over time, how to live without them. In the meantime, keep loving on your babies. Know that they love you dearly and that there are people all over this world that love you too.
    You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope someday you can come back to Portland to visit. I would love to see you and Bogey again.

  7. Lulu.. I am so sorry to heard that. Being a man who cant move on is such a hard thing that you almost felt the ache daily. I know that Klaus is so happy now wherever he is. Just wishing you and other a good health.

    I dont know how to say, Happy birthday or Have a happy birthday 🙂

  8. Hello, Lulu and beloved furballs, including the Boge-ster.

    I remember your one post vividly, and the splendid photo of you two nuzzling each other, with the caption of “I’ve lost my love.” (Can’t recall the exact words.) I tear up everytime I think of it. You’ve had such a tough two years, losing your soulmate and relocating. I can’t say that the grief ever leaves. I carry my grief for my loved ones with me. The sting, that awful pit-in-the-stomach emptiness, that seems to ease with time, but the loss becomes a part of your heart.

    I think the wobbly feeling after such a major, profound loss is very understandable, plus grief can make you question everything, how you’ve done things, who you are, where you fit in the world.

    I’ve lost my father, brother, grandmother, sister-in-law. My brother was killed in a motorcycle accident and that loss utterly shattered us as a family. The first year, I wasn’t even “all there.” I existed, but my memory was covered in some kind of weird fog.

    One thing I’d like you to know, is that I love this blog so very much. You’re so clever and have a real genius for matching perfect captions to Bogey’s poses. You bring all of us joy who follow the blog, and we love seeing your photos with Bogart. And that cat video! Crazy funny stuff.

    We appreciate what you do and that you’re in this world, Lulu. Hugs to you and your furball family. I so enjoy your adventures and discoveries of odd eccentric items during your walks. And of course, I love Bogart. He is the cutest dog ever. (And these Airedales have a way of burrowing into our hearts, I have a Dale, too)

    Hugs and peace. We’re rooting for you to find the answers you need.

  9. I amy crying a bucket of tears at this heartfelt memory of your dear Klaus. You are so brave to soldier on, it is in no way an easy task>
    Much luv to you and your brood,
    Katy Taz, & Gia

  10. Hi Lulu,
    March 1st is my brother’s birthday. He’s a Pisces. I’m one too. We’re supposed to be incapable of separating from the human emotional ebb and flow all around us. So exhausting. One needs to hide from others at times just to have peace and not constantly be feeling every goddamn thing. But there’s something pretty great about it too. When you feel something from a person, it is raw and true and it becomes part of you. Must be fairly strange, your new life being born under such a watery sign. You HAVE joined the fishes, girl! I’m glad you are in the (air-breathing) world and I think of you a lot. In your time of missing, I hope you are aware of your own missableness. If you visit Portland sometime, let me know, okay? We can go for a walk or have lunch or something.
    🙂 Erica

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