Well… no.

Today marks 3 months since Klaus passed away.  Annoying that it is the same day that I have to write a rent check.  Sad because, well, it’s just very sad.

I have an odd quirk.  Ok, I have many odd quirks.  But this one seems to live deep inside me, because I pull it out on a regular basis.  When things get tough, I go blurry.  I am nearsighted – enough to be able to make out shapes and have my brain fill in the details – without correction.  I enjoy this semi-dreamlike state of being able to function without sharp focus.  It allows much of the world to drift by without drawing my attention while still allowing me to keep one foot on the ground and not step off a cliff.  In an odd way it allows higher function – because it filters out all of the unimportant details to focus on only the important bits, which are usually only the survival ones.  Pictures of Klaus in my head stay razor sharp, while the banal images of everyday lose color and become unintelligible.  And I like this.

I put on my glasses when I drive – which is rarer and rarer these days – but otherwise I have allowed myself to roam, uncorrected, through my days and nights for these last 3 months through a city that I am still – even after one year – unfamiliar with and slightly wary of.

It is easy to recognize smiles – that is a daily occurrence when you are walking a dog as adorable as Bogart.  Other facial expressions always confuse me.  I have literally run into people that I know without so much as a whisper of recognition.  I have gotten lost.  Not terrifically so, but in the way that you forget where you are going so you don’t know where you are.  A few moments staring at a street sign, allowing the data to sink in, usually does the trick.

I think this is also one of the reasons that I focus more (and truly enjoy) talking to friends on the phone rather than interacting with people in the flesh.  I can see you in my minds eye in a clear, deep way.  Much clearer than if you were standing a few feet away.

I apologize to any and all reading this who have been wondering why I cannot seem to get it together to actually meet.  I’ve just made an appointment to visit the eye doctor for an exam – and most likely, new contact lenses and/or glasses.  And then I will go back to seeing things clearly.  Or will I…


Lulu & Bogart

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9 thoughts on “I Can See Clearly Now”

  1. Someday, Lulu… someday…

    We watch for you and Bogart every time we go by Laurelhurst Park or through the Hawthorne or downtown and, in time, I know we’ll meet.

    – Anne, Alice, & Charlie

  2. We think you are doing amazingly well after all that’s happened! We aren’t sure our mom could do that well. We hope the new contacts/glasses will help you see even more clearly!

    Poppy, Penny & Patches

  3. Bless your heart, I totally understand. It has been 3 years since my mom died and I am still in a fog! I really think I could use some Grief Counseling or a support group, since it will not go away. I will keep you in my prayers.

    Technology makes it easier tin interact with machines, real people in person, much more difficult!!!!

  4. What a jouney you have been on this last 3 monhs – no wonder the World feels foggy. Mom says it’s pretty normal to feel you want to isolate yourself after an important death – You sort of need to lick your wounds and get your self back together. You should take all the time you need – the World will be waiting, when you’re ready.

    Blessings to you and sweet little Bogart – and not forgetting Klaus.

    Smooches from Milo and Alfie xx =^..^= =^..^=

  5. Dear Lulu,

    The most important thing that your story tells me is that you do see the world and all the people and beings in it, in your mind and in your mind’s eye as BEAUTIFUL. You, yourself are a BEAUTIFUL BEING!

    Love and Blessings to you and Bogart,
    Andy’s and Bel’s mama

  6. Whoa! Let time help. You have been thru soooo much. The shockingly awful loss of Klaus, your home and neighborhood move, and now trying to figure it all out. Three months, yikees. Be kind to yourself, please know that lots of prayers are coming your way as you and Bogart move thru this stage. We know, they say time will help, and we believe it. We lost our home 5/08, to fire, moving back soon. We have been following your blog for a long time now. Never ventured on line before but are learning now, why?? Because we want to tell you how much of a support you have unknowingly been to us! From pine cones and stick time to swine flu prevention sticks, we have gone along for the ride and really enjoyed it! Airedales are so silly, and you capture it! Some day you will feel like visiting, and we will be there, all your fans. I have to laugh at the earlier entry: we also watch for you and Bogart! Slurpy furry kisses from NoPo Dales, Woody and Callie Mae and Family

  7. Sight is a function. To see is a blessing! We think you see very well!! xxoo Patty & Bhu

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