Today marks 3 months since Klaus passed away. Annoying that it is the same day that I have to write a rent check. Sad because, well, it’s just very sad.
I have an odd quirk. Ok, I have many odd quirks. But this one seems to live deep inside me, because I pull it out on a regular basis. When things get tough, I go blurry. I am nearsighted – enough to be able to make out shapes and have my brain fill in the details – without correction. I enjoy this semi-dreamlike state of being able to function without sharp focus. It allows much of the world to drift by without drawing my attention while still allowing me to keep one foot on the ground and not step off a cliff. In an odd way it allows higher function – because it filters out all of the unimportant details to focus on only the important bits, which are usually only the survival ones. Pictures of Klaus in my head stay razor sharp, while the banal images of everyday lose color and become unintelligible. And I like this.
I put on my glasses when I drive – which is rarer and rarer these days – but otherwise I have allowed myself to roam, uncorrected, through my days and nights for these last 3 months through a city that I am still – even after one year – unfamiliar with and slightly wary of.
It is easy to recognize smiles – that is a daily occurrence when you are walking a dog as adorable as Bogart. Other facial expressions always confuse me. I have literally run into people that I know without so much as a whisper of recognition. I have gotten lost. Not terrifically so, but in the way that you forget where you are going so you don’t know where you are. A few moments staring at a street sign, allowing the data to sink in, usually does the trick.
I think this is also one of the reasons that I focus more (and truly enjoy) talking to friends on the phone rather than interacting with people in the flesh. I can see you in my minds eye in a clear, deep way. Much clearer than if you were standing a few feet away.
I apologize to any and all reading this who have been wondering why I cannot seem to get it together to actually meet. I’ve just made an appointment to visit the eye doctor for an exam – and most likely, new contact lenses and/or glasses. And then I will go back to seeing things clearly. Or will I…
Lulu & Bogart