The week has gone by so fast, tomorrow is one week since my big move. I have visited our old house every day in order to clean it out, and so Bogart could have his runs in the old backyard. It’s a really odd thing to drive out there every day, to the house that Klaus and I hoped would represent our future, to empty and clean it. And I really hate the act of cleaning a house that I’m moving out of. I always wonder exactly how things got so dirty…
Our new place is nice, just odd. We live in the Pearl District now, sort of the trendy gallery-and-boutique area, and of course we are no longer in a house but a building. As the boxes slowly disappear I’ve realized that the space should indeed be enough for my whole furry and fuzzy family. Klaus now has his own spot next to my bed with a framed photo next to him, which makes me so sad yet happy that he’s next to me.
My days are full of questions and decisions, and I made one clear decision today – to allow my large gauged ears to close so that I can wear Klaus’ nipple rings in my ears. Sounds like a silly little thing, but it’s really huge for me. The cremation folks properly removed them so that I can wear them – apparently not an odd request for them, but I’m happy that it was done well. I spent years slowly stretching my earlobes and taking care that they stay supple, so to allow them to close a bit is just another process. I have them in now and it feels awesome.
Not only do I mourn for Klaus but I also mourn for myself – my life as I knew it died alongside him. Obviously, I have had to move and downsize my life considerably. But all of the little things, from picking a place to eat to sharing a laugh over an inside joke, or even just having someone to constantly talk to are gone, and that silence is deafening. Whenever I do have the opportunity to talk to someone my voice cracks and I have to fight off the tears.
Klaus was my best friend, my husband, my lover, and my constant companion. That’s impossible to replace. I’m just stumbling around now, trying to get through each minute.
PS – an amazing package arrived that I understand a lot of you sneaky, wonderful folks may have had a hand in. Tomorrow I’m going to photograph and tell you all about it. Yes it made me cry for about an hour – but in a really, really good way.