Klaus is being cremated.  Right now.  I woke up with a start at 6:30 this morning, as he was scheduled to begin that process.  Bogart and I went for a walk where we all always have – Powell Butte –  and I think he was surprised that I got out of bed so quickly, with only one jump onto my chest and full face-lick.

There are so many things going through my head.  So many thoughts, so many regrets.  So many messages coming in from all over the world expressing love, offering stories and overwhelming grief.  I cannot say if they make me feel better or worse, actually I can’t say that I feel much at all.  Even in my own grief I am so numb, so thinking that Klaus is going to walk in the door or that he is just in the living room watching TV.

I am the world’s worst cook.  Klaus is an amazing cook.  I was never allowed into the kitchen, save for the few times I would enter to make myself some iced tea.  Last night I was wandering around the house for about an hour, wondering how some food might magically appear on my plate and be delicious.  This hasn’t been too much of an issue lately as eating was not high on my list of priorities.  But crying seems to burn a lot of calories so I must find a way to replace those, and in a yummy kind of way.

I spent 12 days in the ICU with Klaus.  When I returned, one of the things that greeted me were a refrigerator full of spoiled food.  Yes, 12 days can do a lot of damage.  For several days I could not bear to even open the refrigerator, much less begin the excavation.  And of course on the first day that I put on my miner’s hat and got my shovel, I discovered that I did not have any garbage bags.  Damn.  Damn.  Damn.

So there isn’t much left.  And most of what is here is what I have always referred to as “ingredients” – things that are not a meal on their own, but must be combined in some magical way to make delicious food.  Klaus knew the combination, I alas, do not.  But lo and behold, there was one thing in the freezer that I felt like I might be capable of preparing – a frozen pizza.  Nature’s perfect food, the one that no one should be able to destroy.   Tasty?  Probably not, but it should meet my need for calories if nothing else.

Long story short – I burned it.  Beyond recognition.  I may have to throw away the pan I cooked it on because it seems to have permanently fused to it.  If Klaus were here he would be making fun of me mercilessly (and rightly so).  Today I will be sure to visit a restaurant – any restaurant – where I will order food and someone will bring it to me.  It’s safer that way.

And Klaus will come home on Monday.  In a box, but he will be home again.



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19 thoughts on “Ashes to Ashes”

  1. Love and grief and shock all mix together to make the laws of physics go out the window. Thank goodness Airedales are the perfect size to hug.

    all our love still, Mojo and Lou

  2. Hang on there, Lulu. Hold on tight to life. If for nothing else at this point, then for that full-face fuzzy morning lickwork it is worthy to live. The colors, the smells, the sounds will come back to you, later, much later and very slow, but they will. Just please take care of yourself for now. Good thing you started thinking about food again. This is very important for your health right now. Please accept all the help your friends are offering to you these days! Living that faraway from you and Bogie, we can’t be of any real help no matter how much we would have wanted to. But we are and will be thinking of you, Bogie-boy and your kitties, sending warm and healing thoughts and our love your way.

    Blessings to you and to your little strong family!

    Andy’s mama and papa

  3. Sweet Lulu and Bogart. We can’t even begin to imagine how you must feel, we are so sorry. You are a very courageous woman, we can tell, you will be o.k. – which doesn’t mean that you won’t have that grieve with you forever – but you’ll be o.k., we know!
    Restaurant is a good idea! And maybe you have friends who can cook for you? We know all about being the world’s worst cook because that title actually goes to our maid! She once even started a blog about her absolutely non-existent domestic skills,
    maybe it can put a little smile on your face……
    The Cat Realm

  4. Lulu, someday all the “ingredients” will make sense…in the kitchen, and in life. For now, burned pizza sounds good. Please take good care of yourself.

    xoxo – Bella

  5. You are in our thoughts all the time. Sending love and hugs, sadly its a bit far to send pizza.

    Simba and Jazzi x

  6. Lulu, we know that your grief is overwhelming, but we are glad you are starting to feel hungry again. Believe it or not, that is a good sign. We are sure Klaus would want you to take good care of yourself. Hug Bogie and go out for a good meal…even if you don’t eat all of it!

    Poppy, Penny & Patches

  7. You must eat, my darling. ((((((((BIGHUG)))))))) Bhu and I are so sad that Klaus was not able to stay with you and Bogart. You will have to give much love to each other now. xxoo

  8. Like Ike, I could eat a burned pizza. But I hope you find something wonderful to eat. That someone else cooks. I told my ma ape to hop to it and make you a lovely meal (because she loves to cook) but she said it would be cold by the time we got it across the country to you.

    You and Bogart take good care of each other.

    wally t.

  9. We are back to see how you are doing. We don’t know you, but thanks to your good heart, we feel as if we do and so want you to feel better. You will, in your good time, but we hope, until then, it helps you to know there are many of us out there sending you love.

  10. We have been thinking endlessly about you during this time, even though we only discovered your blog a month or so ago. We are sending many, many purrrs and prayers your way.

  11. My typist knows something about “ingredients”, but she “hates to cook”, so that is not helping at all… Also we live too far away (unfortunately) to be a real help and friend to you in this very difficult time.

    The only thing we can do is sending you both MANY purrrs and thoughts!!

    …and (((HUGS))))

  12. Lulu, I have burnt boiling water.

    I am sending you all sorts of warm and happy vibes. You will know when they reach you because they will smell like tulips, Dove, and caramelized onions.

  13. I’ll help out with the burned up pizza too. I hope that you go to a restaurant with a drive-through for my pal Bogart.

    It takes a long time not to be looking around the corner for those who are gone. We are as here for you as we can be from Master Chew Sits.


  14. Two words, freezer – microwave. For the food that is, the rest is just hard but we are all still sending our Airezen everyday to help keep you strong. Love,Neko

  15. Oh, Lulu,

    Our hearts are breaking for you; however, I (we) love your …is it humor? I don’t know, but you are in our prayers. Klaus doesn’t need them…

    Love and blessings,

    Peter, Sherri, Moses, and Zipporah

  16. Lulu and Bogart we are sending you our big rumbly purrs. We wish there was some magic wand we could wave to make it all better.

    (((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) and purrs.

    From Milo, Alfie and Mom

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